In a world that celebrates grand romantic gestures, extravagant weddings, and Instagram-worthy couple goals, it is easy to become swept up in the emotional whirlwind of love and overlook the practical realities that come with a lifelong partnership. But marriage, in its most enduring and genuine form, is not just about love or physical attraction—it is about values, mindsets, and worldviews. It is about marrying a way of thinking, a belief system, and a set of principles that will either enrich or erode the life you build together.
By Prof. Chiwuike Uba
Too often, people enter into marriage based on superficial traits—appearance, charisma, financial stability, or the ability to evoke strong feelings. These things are not inherently bad, but they are not what sustains a marriage through the storms of life. The truth is, you don’t marry who you are looking at; you marry what they believe, how they think, and how they see the world. And it is those internal qualities that will shape the atmosphere of your home and the trajectory of your shared life.
Consider the story of Mariam, a brilliant, accomplished woman who fell in love with Kunle during their university days. He was confident, well-dressed, and articulate. He had a great job and a promising future. But within a year of marriage, Mariam began to see cracks in the foundation. Kunle believed that a woman’s place was strictly in the home, that men should never show emotional vulnerability, and that he never needed to explain his actions to his wife. “He said he loved me,” Mariam later said, “but he never saw me as an equal.” What had once seemed like charming confidence quickly turned into domineering behavior. Love was there—but respect, understanding, and mutual growth were missing. And in the absence of those things, love began to wither.
One of the most critical lessons in choosing a partner is learning to prioritize mindset over money and appearance. Character, not charm, sustains a household. A person who believes that money is the ultimate goal in life may treat their partner like a transaction, expecting constant return on their investment. When someone’s worth is measured by how much they bring to the table financially or socially, there will be no appreciation in moments of struggle or stillness. A person who cannot see value beyond currency will never truly honor the emotional, intellectual, and spiritual support their partner offers.
Another alarming red flag is a mindset rooted in entitlement. A partner with an entitlement complex rarely shows gratitude. They expect, they demand, and they consume—without reciprocating. They do not say “thank you”; they simply assume you should have done more. Over time, this type of relationship becomes draining. Imagine carrying the weight of a household, juggling bills, children, and your own emotional needs, while your partner remains detached, critical, and unappreciative. The emotional toll of such neglect slowly builds into frustration and eventually, resentment. And while this type of behavior may not be immediately obvious in the dating phase, it often reveals itself in how they speak to others, how they handle conflict, or how they react when things don’t go their way.
It is also important to recognize the danger of a comparison-driven partner. In today’s world, where social media presents a constant stream of curated perfection, a person who bases their sense of worth or happiness on how they measure up to others will never find contentment. A partner like this will mortgage the family’s future just to keep up appearances, prioritizing perception over peace. They will make you feel inadequate because your home doesn’t look like someone else’s on Instagram, or your car isn’t as new, or your vacation photos don’t go viral. In their race to impress the world, they neglect the emotional and financial stability of the very home they are supposed to be building.
Marriage thrives on emotional intelligence, mutual respect, and the ability to grow together. That’s why teachability—though often overlooked—is one of the most important traits to look for in a partner. A teachable person listens. They consider your perspective. They are capable of saying, “I was wrong.” And when presented with a better argument or new information, they are willing to change—not for the sake of compliance, but because they value growth. On the other hand, a partner who always insists on being right, who never listens, and who shuts down any conversation that challenges them is not only emotionally immature, but also unsafe to build a future with.
And yet, many people ignore the signs. They see the red flags but convince themselves it’s just a phase, or something that love will change. They see the offensive online comments, the disrespectful jokes, the seductive social media content, and tell themselves it’s just “cruise.” But it is not just cruise. It is a reflection of deeper beliefs. Beliefs about women, about accountability, about truth, and about relationships. If a person can defend criminal behavior, laugh at abuse, mock integrity, or pressure you into illegalities in the name of “hustle,” they are not just joking—they are exposing the kind of partner they will be when your life together gets hard.
Perhaps most importantly, one must understand that respect is more foundational to a lasting relationship than even love. Love may bring two people together, but respect allows them to stay. Without respect, disagreements turn into dehumanizing battles, differences become intolerable, and communication breaks down completely. A person who respects you will care about your needs, listen to your voice, value your contributions, and never diminish your personhood. That kind of relationship, built on mutual respect and shared values, will survive the seasons of hardship that love alone cannot weather.
In choosing a life partner, it is essential to look beyond the butterflies and ask the difficult but necessary questions. How do they view the world? How do they treat people they don’t need to impress? Are they generous, kind, forgiving? Are they driven by ego or humility? Do they see a marriage as a team, or as a hierarchy? Would you want your children to become like them?
Marriage is more than a celebration of love—it is a merging of lives, a joining of beliefs, and a commitment to face life together. As you walk into that commitment, do so with both your heart and your mind fully engaged. Because who they are deep down—their values, their mindset, and their character—will ultimately determine whether your home becomes a place of peace or a battleground of unfulfilled expectations.
As the old saying goes, “Love may be blind, but marriage is the eye-opener.” Choose wisely, with clarity and courage, because the future you dream of depends on it. God is with us!
Prof. Chiwuike Uba
