In the wake of my recent article, The Hidden Economics and Psychology Eroding Twenty-First-Century Marriage, several responses emerged highlighting important layers that deserve more attention. One particularly thoughtful reader raised a deeply personal and culturally relevant concern: sexual incompatibility—an often-ignored but real factor in the breakdown of many marriages today. Their observation, though bold, reflects a growing sentiment in modern discourse: that sexual dissatisfaction is grounds enough for emotional withdrawal, infidelity, or even divorce.
By Prof. Chiwuike Uba, Ph.D
The courage to raise such a sensitive issue should not be dismissed. Too many marriages suffer silently because religious institutions, cultural norms, and even families stigmatize open discussions about sex. In many traditional and faith-based settings, sexual needs are buried under moral fear or cast as shameful desires. This silence breeds confusion, resentment, and, at times, secret compromises that ultimately rupture trust.
Importantly, data underscore the significance of this issue: nearly half of divorced individuals report sexual problems, and among those with sexual dysfunction, about 16% of men and up to 27% of women eventually separate. A meta-analysis of couple interventions found a “large effect size” (Cohen’s d = 0.85) in treating marital distress through targeted therapy.
And yet, as valid as the issue is, we must be careful not to allow the realities of sexual difference to eclipse the deeper essence of marriage itself. If we continue down the road of radical compatibility—where every unmet desire is cause for separation—we risk turning marriage into a consumer product rather than a covenant. The truth is, no marriage can survive without discipline, empathy, forgiveness, and growth, and that includes the sexual aspect.
Modern society increasingly teaches us that our libidos must be obeyed, that satisfaction is a right, and that anything less than euphoric intimacy is failure. But such thinking is both dangerous and immature. Sexual desires, like every human appetite, are controllable. They are not tyrants to whom we must surrender. They can—and must—be brought under the authority of character, love, and covenant. Just as we manage our temper, ambition, and hunger, we must also learn to manage our passions. That is not repression; that is maturity.
To treat sexual incompatibility as a primary reason for divorce is to ignore the tools available to couples: communication, counseling, medical advice, spiritual maturity, and sacrificial love. Marriage experts William Masters and Virginia Johnson demonstrated that sexual dysfunction is curable in most couples through counseling focused on reconnection. Indeed, counseling success rates range from 50–80%, with early intervention decreasing divorce risk by up to 30%.
Premarital counseling, too, is a powerful preventive tool: couples who participate are 30–31% less likely to divorce in the first five years and often report sharper communication and fewer infidelity incidents. Yet only about 25% of engaged couples take that step.
Moreover, modern trends that normalize premarital sex under the guise of “testing compatibility” have introduced more harm than healing. Globally, unsafe sex is one of the top health risks among youth. In sub-Saharan Africa, premarital sexual behaviour closely connects with elevated STI rates; emotional tolls, including guilt and anxiety, are common, with up to 78% experiencing distress post-hookup.
While intended to prevent future disappointment, this practice often yields deeper emotional scars, shattered trust, and spiritual disorientation. Sex outside of a covenant is inherently unstable. It creates comparisons, fosters self-doubt, and sets unrealistic expectations rooted in performance rather than purpose. Science, medicine, faith, and lived human experience all affirm the profound consequences of sexual encounters—not just physically, but emotionally and psychologically.
This is not a denial of human desire; it is a call for human dignity. A reminder that we are more than our impulses. That marriage is not a playground for pleasure but a sacred ground for partnership. It is not only about what we get from it, but who we become through it.
Yes, marriages today are under assault—economically, culturally, and emotionally. But if we are to rebuild, we must stop accepting hyper-compatibility and self-indulgence as the benchmarks of success. We must rediscover the power of self-control, patience, and spiritual intimacy—qualities that have sustained unions far longer and stronger than passion alone ever could.
Biblically, marriage is not simply a contract—it is a covenant, a sacred union patterned after the relationship between Christ and the Church (Ephesians 5:22-33). The calling of each partner is to love sacrificially, forgive unconditionally, and pursue each other continually. In a world that encourages quitting, the Church must preach perseverance and model the discipline of covenantal intimacy. The Holy Spirit is also our helper, cultivating the fruit of self-control (Galatians 5:22–23), kindness, and patience that nurture mutual satisfaction.
To further enrich this reflection, we must acknowledge the emotional and psychological layers often hidden behind the language of libido. Many cases of “incompatibility” are not truly biological but stem from trauma, stress, poor communication, emotional neglect, or mental health struggles. Qualified studies show that 75% of clients report improved emotional connection after therapy. A significant 40–60% do better than those without intervention.
Importantly, this issue affects both men and women. While society often centers male sexual desire, many women suffer silently from unmet needs, unspoken expectations, or emotional disconnection. Stigma often prevents women from voicing dissatisfaction, leading to internalized frustration that can silently erode the bond. Therefore, the conversation must be balanced: mutual responsibility for emotional and sexual well-being is key.
Add to that the natural biological fluctuations of sexual desire—libido is not static. It shifts with hormones, stress, health, and age. Research confirms that sexual frequency often dips in early marriage before stabilizing. Medical science offers effective remedies—from hormone therapy to certified sex therapy and cognitive behavioral approaches like the Gottman and EFT methods, which report success rates of 70–75%.
Our social and cultural institutions must do better. Premarital and marital counseling must expand beyond religious checklists or ceremonial formalities. They should include frank discussions about sexual expectations, histories, fears, and desires. Faith leaders, therapists, and elders must be trained to talk with both truth and tenderness, without shame, stigma, or silence.
Spiritual wisdom also offers a powerful anchor. Scripture commands us to “render to one another the due benevolence” (1 Cor 7:3–5), and “the fruit of the Spirit is self-control” (Gal 5:22–23). Marriage is about responsibilities, not just rights; about purpose, not just pleasure. We must shift from a demand mindset to a servant mindset, from “What do I deserve?” to “What am I becoming?” That is a covenant. That is Christ-like love.
Our modern world has also introduced new digital threats to sexual unity. Pornography, hyper-sexualised media, and virtual intimacy tools distort expectations and diminish emotional connection. Many partners feel inadequate not because of real failures but due to unrealistic comparisons with virtual fantasy. Couples must be encouraged to set digital boundaries that protect emotional intimacy and foster authenticity.
Communities, especially in Africa, must reclaim the communal scaffolding that once stabilized marriages. Urbanization and nuclear living have thinned these supports. But digital mentorship, couples’ fellowships, and accountability networks—rooted in faith and fellowship—can recreate them.
Let’s also confront intergenerational confusion. Older generations upheld marriages through duty; younger generations prize emotional authenticity. Yet both can teach each other about resilience and vulnerability. We must build bridges of understanding, not walls of judgment.
And what of our children? What legacy are we modeling? Studies show that marital conflict undermines children’s mental health and educational outcomes. But stable marriages—built on self-discipline and sacrificial love—offer secure homes and emotional education. Marriage is not only personal—it’s societal.
Let us remember that how we treat sex in marriage today will shape how our children understand love, respect, and dignity tomorrow. Stable, emotionally intelligent marriages create a generational ripple of mental wellness, self-worth, and relational success.
Finally, let us reimagine intimacy—not merely physical, but holistic: emotional safety, spiritual unity, financial transparency, and shared purpose. Emotional safety and connection predict long-term couple stability better than performance alone. Passion fades. Pressure mounts. But purpose sustains permanence.
In conclusion, yes, sexual needs and compatibility matter—and data proves they matter deeply. But they should be addressed within the framework of love, responsibility, and faith, not as grounds for abandoning a union that God has ordained. Let us resist shallow narratives and return to deeper, sacrificial love that builds lasting homes.
Sexual libido should never be allowed to control anyone. Instead, with God’s help, it should be brought under the authority of love, truth, and wisdom. Love is not self-seeking. It does not give up. It does not walk away when things are hard. Rather, it leans in, listens, learns, and leads with grace.
May we all be reminded that marriage is not just about finding the right person, but also about becoming the right partner. And in that process, even issues like sexual incompatibility can be transformed into opportunities for deeper intimacy and understanding, rather than reasons for division.
Marriage is not only about who we marry, but also about who we are becoming as we stay. God is with us!
